The Beaverton

Answering your questions about the Ostrich story your uncle won’t stop posting about

Conservative MP thinking of crossing floor wakes up with severed head of a John A. Macdonald statue in his bed

Mark Carney giving a speech in front of Canadian flags

Carney reduces Trudeau’s tree planting program from 2 billion trees to 2

Nation’s therapists know what they’re going to be talking about this week

Rogers execs on Sportsnet+ World Series crash: “You can’t expect a streaming service that only costs $30 a month to work every time”

Canada cool with one group of temporary foreign workers

Alberta promptly issues emergency alert 14 months later

EDMONTON – Alberta’s UCP government has issued an emergency alert that should have been sent out sometime in early 2020. Acting swiftly to prevent a catastrophe that is already happen…

“This is so Kafkaesque,” says man with penis stuck in watermelon

AIRDRIE, AB – In a harrowing ordeal that serves as a trenchant insight into the alienation fundamental to the human condition, Charles Sharp’s wing wang is currently jammed in a 23 pound watermel…

Local woman tragically forced to explain TikTok to therapist

HALIFAX – After a particularly harrowing week online, local University student Becky Clyborne was left with no choice but to explain the inner workings of TikTok to her therapist. “I told h…

FUN? This online escape room is just some guy’s poetry portfolio

WINNIPEG – A local librarian’s attempt to jump on the Google Docs-based “escape room” trend was revealed to be a shallow front to distribute his poetry portfolio. As the pandemic forced loc…

BC apologizes for poor communication, says next pop-up vaccine clinic can be found “when moon and sun intertwine, where waters meet mountain’s spine”

VANCOUVER — After poor communication this week left dozens of people waiting hours for vaccines they would never get, BC Health Minister Adrian Dix formally apologized during the province’s lates…