VATICAN CITY – In a clear administrative error by the Holy See, the recently convened Conclave to choose the next pope has mistakenly included both the entire College of Cardinals as well as the start...
“At least Mel Gibson is still a good guy,” states man with the memory of a grape
Oakville, ON – Local goldfish Tim Wells just admitted while the news about how bad Neil Gaiman is, he’s glad that his favourite actor Mel Gibson still has a clean slate. “Thank god he’s never do...
Conservatives double down and pick older, whiter man
OTTAWA – The Progressive Conservative party has dropped Pierre Poilievre as its leader in favour of an even older, whiter man – Andrew Scheer. “It’s an honour to be replaced by someone les...
24 Sussex officially becomes Brookfield Property
OTTAWA – Brookfield Property Partners (TSX: BPYPP) a real estate company of Brookfield Asset Management Inc., proudly announced today their new acquisition of marquee Ottawa heritage property 24...
Canada upsets Puerto Rico and Washington DC by cutting statehood line
Washington DC – After months of Trump pontificating that Canada would make a great state, the US Department of the Interior has updated its “Statehood Waitlist.” Canada now has the top spot on t...
Trump puts 100% tariff on movies that force him to read
HOLLYWOOD, CA – After accidentally watching the South Korean film Parasite on Air Force One, Donald Trump has signed an executive order placing a 100% tariff on any movie that forces him to read...
Jagmeet Singh looking forward to chill summer, maybe taking an improv class
BURNABY, B.C. – Facing increased scrutiny since leading his party to a painful election day loss, former NDP leader Jagmeet Singh has revealed his future plans to be, “A whole lotta not much.” Speakin...
Canadians wonder if they can win trade war against famously self-sacrificing and unified Americans
OTTAWA – With tensions continuing to ratchet in the face of President Trump’s unilateral trade war, Canadians are openly wondering how they will fare against the notably harmonious, discip...
“Is it possible you’re just pregnant?” asks doctor staring at woman’s fractured tibia
TORONTO – As soon as lawyer Marlene Davidson was rushed to hospital after slipping and fracturing her tibia, the doctor took one look at the blood pouring out of her leg and the protruding fragm...
Poilievre to run for by-election in safe rural Alberta riding, after rural Texas riding not available
OTTAWA – Opposition leader Pierre Poilievre has announced that he will run in a by-election in the conservative stronghold of Battle River-Crowfoot, after being told that he could not run in his...
