SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Admitting they “never thought it would come to this,” a rigorous poll of every American confirmed that the sustained humiliation of living under tech bro dominance has f…
Critics slam measles reboot as another nostalgia-fuelled cash grab
CALGARY – The recent resurgence of measles across North America has drawn widespread criticism, with observers condemning the outbreak as yet another creatively-bankrupt nostalgia remake dr…
Kevin O’Leary credits acting chops to years of convincing people he wasn’t driving the boat
LOS ANGELES, CA – Responding to widespread praise for his performance in the new film Marty Supreme, businessman and television personality Kevin O’Leary revealed that what critics are call…
Report: Girlfriend watching movie wrong
GUELPH, ON – In a disturbing development that has led one man to seriously reconsider whether these are the genetics he wants to pass on to his future children, local woman Sarah Russell ha…
Ontario voters excited to learn definition of insanity
TORONTO – In a province desperate for improvement on vital issues from housing to healthcare, voters who just made the logical choice to re-elect the same Premier they’ve had for the last 7…
Man with dedicated folder for ‘back of the head’ selfies definitely not balding
KINGSTON, ON – Local man Mitch Thompson insists that his meticulously curated collection of back-of-the-head selfies has, in fact, nothing to do with any alleged thinning around the crown a…
Report: Hot person’s soulmate also hot
VICTORIA, BC – In a completely unexpected turn of events, local heartthrob and solid 9.5, Mark Steele, has reportedly discovered his soulmate who, in a jaw-dropping twist of fate, is also s…
“Ohh, I guess mirrors are woke now too?” claims conservative POC
AUSTIN, TX – In a very expected turn of events, local conservative person of colour Amol Khan has voiced outrage over what he perceives as yet another example of liberal indoctrination: wok…
Hate Crime Alert: White friend just made your cultural dish and it tastes amazing
SURREY, BC – Shocking reports suggest that your token white friend just prepared your cultural dish and it tasted better than anything you’ve ever made, in what is being considered the worl…
“Fair Enough,” says boyfriend definitely listening
WHITBY, ON – “Fair Enough,” responded local boyfriend Shaun Wright, after noticing a pause in his girlfriend’s mumblings, which he assumed to be the end of her story. The exchange too…
