EDMONTON – In addition to his announcement lowering industrial carbon pricing specifically just for Alberta, Prime Minister Mark Carney has unveiled a plan to eliminate all of Canada’s environment in order to balance the nation’s finances.
At a press conference with Alberta Premier Danielle Smith, Prime Minister Carney outlined his plan to remove all of Canada’s trees, waterways, and all but the bare minimum of its breathable air from the nation’s balance sheets.
“Coming at the from a purely financial standpoint, or as I call it, the only standpoint, selling off Canada’s entire environment just makes good fiscal sense,” explained Carney as he motioned to a series of Excel sheets.
Arguing that it was necessary to “unlock the economic potential of outside”, Carney explained that Canada’s lakes, forests, dirt, and beavers will be sold off to private enterprise. “This one-time revenue infusion will boost Canada’s GDP in myriad ways, that shall only benefit our largest corporations and asset holding class.”
Premier Smith took to the podium, explaining how Carney’s budgetary move represented a massive victory in Alberta’s long-standing war against the environment. “For too long, nature has been a key impediment in extracting the wealth of Albertans in order to hand that wealth over to multi-national oil conglomerates,” Smith added, beaming at her good fortune. “Now, not only can we build as many pipelines as we want without having to worry about environmental assessments, but Suncor will have enough money to buy up all our forests as well. It’s win-win, for Suncor!”
Asked whether his plan to privatize all of Canada’s environment would impact everyday Canadians, Carney answered, “Yes”. When asked to elaborate, he directed Canadians to contact Scotiabank Financial holdings, who are currently making an offer to acquire 50% of Canada’s environment in a joint bid along with the Brookfield Financial Corporation.
At press time, plans have been unveiled to train all Canada geese to say “You’re richer than you think!”
