Oscar organizers begin thawing of Jack Nicholson
BEVERLY HILLS, CA — With the Oscars tonight, Hollywood cryogenicists are quickly defrosting of 79-year-old legendary film actor Jack Nicholson to attend. The acclaimed Batman and Terms of Endearm…
Sir, don’t you think you’ve rolled up enough rims for one day?
BY A TIM HORTONS DRIVE THRU SPEAKER BOX On behalf of Tim Horton’s, I would like to thank you for your loyal patronage at our stores during our roll-up-the-rim-to-win event, but Sir, don’t you thi…
Man frantically enjoying Woody Allen movies while he still can
LETHBRIDGE, AB – Refusing all social invitations and ordering in his meals, local resident Bill Grenley, 32, is reportedly savouring the last few precious moments he has to fully enjoy Wood…
Local woman successfully shaves spot just behind the ankle
MONTREAL — Over this past weekend, Claire Powell, 23, celebrated a stunning personal achievement when she successfully reached that tricky section of skin just behind the ankle while shavin…
Anxiety-ridden 23-year-old with no particular career ambition considering law school
TORONTO — Despite lacking any discernible passions or occupational goals, University of Toronto graduate Jessica Breslin recently announced that she was strongly considering a career in the legal…
Nation responds to Ellen Page coming out as gay: ‘Okay, cool’
OTTAWA – After learning the news that Canadian actress Ellen Page, best known for her role in Juno, is gay, the nation agreed that it was ‘good’. “I didn’t know she was gay but now I do,” H…
Russian Olympics security to crack down on any outward displays of pride
MOSCOW – Responding to international pressure over homophobic legislation, Russian president Vladimir Putin has announced the passing of a new universal law against displays of pride. “Russia is …
FEDS: First Nations Education Act a positive step forward in giving First Nations autonomy from Gov obligations
STAND OFF, AB – In what is being described as a major step forward in providing First Nation’s communities with more autonomy from federal government treaty commitments, the Harper Governme…
Communist baby-eater Drake tired of media misconstruing his opinions
LOS ANGELES – Communist and notorious eater of human babies Drake, made headlines today when he announced over Twitter his decision to no longer do interviews due to the misinterpretation o…
Record winter leaves old people unable to boast about winters when they were young
CANADA – The coldest winter in more than two decades has left Canada’s elderly scrounging for ways to make themselves seem hardier than today’s youth.weather “When I was a boy, the winters …
