Man who doesn’t care about sports heroically boycotts Sochi Olympics
VICTORIA, B.C. – Striking a self-sacrificing blow for international gay rights, local non-sports fan Jamie Donaldson has been refusing to watch the Sochi Olympics. “It’s been really difficu…
International Olympic Committee admits there are no real rules to Curling
SOCHI – A controversial call during a recent match has revealed that nobody in the world actually knows what is up with Curling. What began as a simple inquiry about whether or not “offside” was …
Stereotype saves man from several seconds of critical thinking
REGINA – A local business man has saved himself 8 seconds of critical thinking after quickly using a contemptuous stereotype to avoid any empathy for a fellow human being’s situation Karl L…
President Obama barricades self in Oval Office after House of Cards marathon
WASHINGTON – Following a 13 hour binge-viewing of the newly released second season of the Netflix exclusive series House of Cards, the President of the United States of America has barricaded him…
Harper developing jowls as he plans to be ‘not a crook’ for Liberal convention
OTTAWA – Canadian physiologists are watching in amazement as Prime Minister Harper‘s chin increasingly envelops his neck as the Liberal Convention begins in Montreal. “We’ve read about it before …
Brazeau finds gainful employment after leaving post in the seedy underbelly of Canadian society
OTTAWA – Suspended senator Patrick Brazeau has finally found a respectable job as a strip-club day manager after leaving the decadent opium den that is the Canadian Senate. “I’m just happy to be …
Canadian women’s hockey team apologizes for comeback
SOCHI, RUSSIA – The Canadian women’s hockey team captured gold in a stunning overtime win over the Americans and promptly apologized for the comeback victory. “We’re real sorry …
Suspended Senator Patrick Brazeau now manager of a strip club
Sources at the BareFax Gentlemen’s Club, an Ottawa strip club, have confirmed that suspended senator Patrick Brazeau is an employee. What’s your say? “Headline spot, or does he have to tryo…
Canadian voters now required to show Conservative Party membership card before voting
OTTAWA – The federal government has recently announced plans to address voter fraud by requiring Canadians to present a Conservative Party membership ID before voting in elections. “Canadia…
Police remind parents to always lock car doors when leaving small children in subzero weather
MONTREAL – Local police are warning parents of the dangers of leaving their children in the car in -33 degree weather without ensuring they have safely secured the doors. “There are many da…
