In a long-awaited announcement from Lucasfilm yesterday morning, it was finally revealed that the upcoming Star Wars film will be titled “Star Wars: Episode 9 – Y’all Want Some More Dad Mysterie...
6 high-iron superfoods that will bring love back to your parent’s marriage, maybe
Did you know that four out of five people don’t get nearly enough iron in their diets? This can cause a whole slew of health problems, and might also be the reason that your parents are getting a divo...
Trump cabinet unable to hide boners while signing anti-abortion order
WASHINGTON D.C. – Despite arranging themselves strategically around the oval office desk, and posturing their hands in a shielding fashion, Donald Trump and the majority of his cabinet were unab...
‘Will the two of you please shut up’ – an open letter to Kevin O’Leary and Kathleen Wynne from the Beaverton
Dear Mr. O’Leary and Premier Wynne, Having had the opportunity to review your recent “open letters” to each other, we at the Beaverton have decided to write our own open letter to the two of you, so t...
Local man’s hydro bill cut in half after agreeing to store nuclear waste at his house
KINCARDINE, ON – Finding no other suitable options, Ontario Power Generation has offered to pay 50% of local man, Fred MacKenzie’s, electricity bill as long as they’re able to keep waste from th...
Don’t Judge Too Fast: this county only voted Trump so the Everkromm Tree would give their children back
Gasslin County, West Virginia must be full of bigots, because they overwhelmingly voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 election, right? Not so fast. In 2008 and 2012, over 60% of the county voted for Ba...
Air Canada unveils new oxygen mask fee
“Passengers are welcome to forgo the fee and simply pass out.” New episode of The Beaverton this Wednesday at 10pm EST on Comedy!...
7 recipes to combat your existential dread
If you’re feeling the angst of meaninglessness, you’re not alone. Let’s face it, the fact of nihilism means nothing really matters, so eating well is only slowing down the count to your inevitable dem...
Thousands of Canadian women bravely enter oppressive country ruled by despot
Yesterday thousands of Canadian women decided to leave the comfort of their feminist utopia and crossed the border into a newly minted foothold of fascism. “In Canada we take it for granted that a wom...
America kicking itself for not inaugurating the guys from Duck Dynasty
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – Upon the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are just waking up to the fact that they could have installed anyone they wanted in office, up to and including t...
