America kicking itself for not inaugurating the guys from Duck Dynasty - The Beaverton
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America kicking itself for not inaugurating the guys from Duck Dynasty

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – Upon the of Donald Trump, many Americans are just waking up to the fact that they could have installed anyone they wanted in office, up to and including those guys from Duck Dynasty.

“I guess I assumed electing a reality TV star wouldn’t work,” said Wisconsin’s Travis Meyer, scratching his beard in disappointment. “Now the whole thing just seems like a wasted opportunity to get those Duck Dynasty boys in office.”

Though legal scholars think it might be unconstitutional to have ‘the whole gang, you know, Phil, Miss Kay, Si, Willie, Jase, Jep, and the rest’ simultaneously fill the office of president, average Americans now realize they’re the ones calling the shots, and that the people who brought us Duck the Halls: A Robertson Family Christmas could easily have been running the country.

“Who better to drain the swamp than a bunch of knuckleheads who live in the swamp?” said Wisconsin’s Jenn McTeague, slapping a palm to her forehead. “God, we were such idiots.”

While America is ‘kind of happy, I guess’ that they’ve elected a political outsider, most Americans now wish they’d elected actual outsiders, people who live outside, in a bog, where gay people aren’t allowed to exist.

“A beaver is about like the ninjas… the suckers only work at night and they’re hard to find,” said Si Robertson, telling it like it is on the subject of international relations. “Hey, the difference between a cold donut and a hot donut is I can eat 6 cold ones and 48 hot donuts, that’s the difference.”

In order to accommodate prospective Robertson voters, Donald Trump has unveiled a raft of duckphobic legislation, making his the most anti-waterfowl government since interned thousands of geese during World War Two.