SASKATOON – After years of inexplicable failure, local man Peter Whitehall has yet to find a method of dragging sharp metal blades against his face that doesn’t irritate his skin. “I don’t …
Writer decides to get out of the house, check Facebook in coffee shop
TORONTO – Local writer Nelson Curea has chosen to leave the house and stretch his legs this afternoon, after deciding that a change of location might make it easier for him to not do his wr…
EDITORIAL: I hate everything Doug Ford stands for, but I love giving my dentist money
By Daniel Brinkley I’m facing a moral quandary right now. I’m a progressive person and I want what’s best for Ontario, but the Liberals and NDP have made a controversial promise that I think goes…
Sweater weather update: east coast ravaged by huge cardigan cell
HALIFAX – Reports are coming in that Nova Scotia is being hit with terrible sweater weather, with prevalent high-speed cardigans and up to 80mm of tastefully embroidered guernseys in some a…
Referee stabbed 23 times during brutal Ides of March Madness game
WICHITA, KS – This March 15th, a first-round game of the NCAA Division I Men’s Basketball Tournament ended prematurely, after a referee was swarmed by spectators and assassinated by r…
All that stuff in the Harry Potter books wouldn’t have happened if the teachers had guns
Editorial by Larry Beaton For a month now people have been mocking President Trump, just because he had the audacity to suggest that our children would be safer in school if teachers were armed. …
Violent escalation not going how ‘Deadwood’ fan expected
BRAMPTON, ON – Seeking to emulate the rough-and-tumble action featured on the critically acclaimed HBO series Deadwood, local man Louis Fresno is now in incredible pain after escalating a m…
Toronto’s homeless are probably fine now that it’s only -10 out, right?
BY: HANK LANGMIRE This past week I was shocked and disgusted after reading about how the city totally failed to provide our homeless with adequate shelter from the extreme cold. It was shameful, …
Locals finally notice restaurant has just been playing Styx’s ‘Styx’ on repeat for 20 years
FORT ERIE – Over the course of an extended brunch date at local institution Ted’s Fine Dining, one couple has discovered the only music that has been played at the restaurant during its 23 years …
CBC’s latest hit show already running out of great Canadians to bake
CANADA – CBC’s latest hit, The Great Canadian Baking Show, has been temporarily forced to halt production as the network searches for more great Canadians that the contestants can bake. “No…