SICILY – After two days of shuffling blank papers and waving shiny objects, heads of state from G7 countries have begun preparing for the actual summit scheduled to commence after Donald Trump’s...
Hipster alcoholics excited for return of softball season
TORONTO – With the start of community softball, trendy drunks are once again rejoicing at being able to get hammered in public with total immunity. “I bought new cleats and a flat of Red Stripe beer”,...
BC Green Party to form government with whichever party leader brings them the most pinecones
VICTORIA – The Green Party now holds the balance of power in the BC legislature, and they’ve announced they will give their full support to the party whose leader collects the most pinecones. “E...
The Justin Trudeau Random Photobomb Headline Generator
Since any staged interaction between the public and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is considered newsworthy and a ‘photobomb’, the Beaverton has developed a state-of-the-art random headline...
How To Plan A Wedding
Need tips on how to plan the day you’ll pretend was the best day of your life?...
Blue Jays players warned to not risk injury by trying any more ‘baseball stuff’
TORONTO – Team Physician Dr. Jason Smith has warned the remaining healthy players on the Toronto Blue Jays not to try any more ‘baseball stuff’, as the risk of injury is too great. “There have b...
Toronto yuppies insist shopping at Food Basics puts them at risk of catching “poor”
TORONTO — Residents of an upscale condo development in Toronto’s Junction neighbourhood are protesting recently announced plans to build a Food Basics supermarket next door, which they say puts them a...
Nepotism in the White House: Jared Kushner now gets to shave the president’s back
DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA – In what critics have described as ‘blatant nepotism’, President Trump has empowered son-in-law Jared Kushner to be the person who shaves his back. “Jared is as...
We look back at the non-call that Leafs fans can’t forget
The Beaverton Remembers: Gretzky’s high stick on Gilmour....
Report: Backpacks are just like purses that can hold stuff
HALIFAX- According to a new report, backpacks are essentially purses except for one major distinction: They can actually hold things. “It may seem obvious, but many women do not realize that backpacks...
