TORONTO – With the sun rising on the day of the Ontario PC leadership vote, a haggard Brian Mulroney has completed writing his daughter’s victory speech. While the speech had already been writte...
Canadians tacitly accept ‘Rim’ and ‘Win’ as a rhyme for 32nd year in a row
HAMILTON – Remaining willfully blind to proper poetic structure in order to maintain a chance at winning a free coffee, Tim Hortons customers across Canada participated in Roll Up The Rim To Win...
Alexa accidentally transmits laughter from Amazon HQ to users
SEATTLE – Reports from multiple users that Alexa devices are randomly emitting laughter have been traced to a live microphone in the data harvesting centre of Amazon’s Seattle headquarters. “We ...
Recently tenured prof glad he doesn’t have to close door when he shits anymore
TORONTO – University of Toronto psychology professor Jamie Pasternak is relieved he finally has tenure and can therefore keep the door wide open when he drops deuces from now on. “As a new profe...
Women’s child-bearing hips too wide to fit in voting booth, say men
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. January 31st, 1916 WINNIPEG – Despite desperate pleas regarding hip span ...
Known creep posts ‘Happy International Women’s Day’ status on Facebook
MILTON, ON – Presenting a progressive public image, local creep Bruce Jamieson, 28, a man who has a noted history of ignoring consent and sexual misconduct, posted a Facebook status today to cel...
Proving economists at your uncle’s house right, Ontario’s minimum wage hike has completely destroyed the economy
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton....
Just a heads up to treat your adopted cousins the same as your normal cousins
By: Aunt Pam Greetings Tompkins Family! I know there’s no big gathering coming any time soon but I felt compelled to write to you all to remind you of something that’s been bothering me for a while. S...
Poll: 70% of Canadians just happy Trump only threatening a trade war at this point
OTTAWA – A new poll by Angus Reid has found that the vast majority of Canadians, while upset about Trump’s proposed tariffs, are still pretty relieved he hasn’t declared actual war by now. “Don’...
Witch hunt? Mueller indicts Baba Yaga on conspiracy to eat US children
WASHINGTON – In a move that seems to support President Trump’s claim that the Russia investigation is a witch hunt, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has indicted hag and Russian national Baba Yaga...
