MONCTON, NB – Speaking to an assembled crowd outside of his 2nd grade classroom, 8-year-old Jacob Moir has announced that he intends to eat any substance his classmates can name and provide, in ...
Ontario school opening/closing policy determined by a cat who wants in or out
TORONTO – Ontario’s Ministry of Education cat has determined that schools will be closed after he decided to come inside. The feline, Misty the COVID Cat, was at first hesitant to make a decisio...
Liberals shut down probe into sexual misconduct in the military after discovering they don’t care about sexual misconduct in the military
OTTAWA – Liberal members of a defence committee investigating sexual misconduct in Canada’s military have, in concert with Bloc Quebecois MPs, voted to shut down the investigation after the Libe...
Some of Mario’s friends still haven’t forgiven Donkey Kong for the barrel throwing years
DONKEY KONG ISLAND – Despite a storied decades-long career as one of the most popular and iconic characters in the Nintendo universe, Donkey Kong is still regarded with suspicion by some of Mari...
Montreal rioters concerned COVID rules are destroying small businesses before they can destroy small businesses
MONTREAL – Rioters who took to the streets in Old Montreal last night are concerned that current COVID restrictions are recklessly harming small businesses before they have a fair chance at dest...
Moderna vaccine having bad reaction to Stephen Harper
CALGARY – A dose of Moderna’s COVID-19 Vaccine recently injected into the arm of former Prime Minister Stephen Harper says it is expecting serious side-effects. “From the moment I wa...
Dozens of women came out against this man but then his friend said he was chill and now we’re stumped
VANCOUVER- As disturbing allegations of inappropriate behaviour from dozens of women continue to stack up against local man Bryce Winter, one guy has come to his defence, leaving us pretty stumped abo...
Canada to distribute remaining vaccines through “Roll up the Rim to Win” contest
OTTAWA – After encountering difficulties with early vaccine rollouts, the Government of Canada has announced that it plans to distribute all remaining vaccines through a Tim Hortons “Roll Up the...
Jack Campbell spends entire day attempting to return $5 bill to total stranger
TORONTO – Toronto Maple Leafs backup goaltender and good Samaritan Jack Campbell has spent hours looking for the person who accidentally dropped a $5 bill at Union Station in Toronto. The franch...
Albertans pleasantly surprised that only 17 of their representatives admit to wanting them dead
EDMONTON – After 17 members of Jason Kenney’s government signed a letter opposing his latest lockdown, Albertans were relieved to discover that the number of MLAs who would explicitly sacrifice them t...
