OTTAWA – After encountering difficulties with early vaccine rollouts, the Government of Canada has announced that it plans to distribute all remaining vaccines through a Tim Hortons “Roll Up the Rim to Win” contest.
“Originally, we planned for a complex, multi-tier vaccine rollout that prioritized healthcare workers, long-term care home residents and at-risk populations as part of an evidence-based plan to reduce healthcare burdens and maintain ICU capacity,” said Health Minister Patty Hajdu. “But that sounded like a lot of work and we didn’t get to have a Roll Up the Win contest last year, so now we’re just going to vaccinate anyone who wins the coffee cup contest.”
“It may seem harsh to stake human lives on a willingness to drink coffee that tastes like hot, sweetened contact lens solution,” Hajdu continued. “But the good news is that some of the people who don’t receive the vaccine will be able to comfort themselves with a free Honey Cruller donut.”
Canadians across the country have responded positively to the news that the Roll Up the Rim to Win contest would be returning to Tim Hortons locations nationwide.
“I mean, I guess it’s fine that I could win a potentially life-saving vaccine with a double-double,” said Sarah Rolland of New Glasgow, Nova Scotia. “But like, that’s not the only prize they’re giving away, right? Like, they’re still giving away TVs and stuff, right? Because I definitely want to protect my grandma, but I’d also shove her straight into the north Atlantic for a chance to win a Toyota RAV4.”
At press time, Tim Hortons employees were busy dumpster-diving for unrolled cups, explaining that this was the closest Canada would ever get to prioritizing vaccines for frontline service workers.