Explorers discover uncharted tropical island populated entirely by Canadian politicians
SOMEWHERE OFF THE COAST OF CUBA – Explorers have stumbled upon an entirely uncharted island between Cuba and Jamaica with a population that consists solely of Canadian politicians on holida…
Breaking: Alberta UCP MLA caught not taking international vacation during pandemic
EDMONTON – An Alberta UCP MLA has been caught not taking an international vacation causing swift condemnation from Premier Jason Kenney. While the MLA has not been named yet, sources say Ke…
Local man makes New Year’s Resolution not to make New Year’s Resolutions, fails
SASKATOON, SK – A local man who resolved not to make any New Year’s resolutions for 2021 has already failed to follow through. Will Knotts, 33, has been historically unlucky with his New Ye…
Canada now requires travelers test negative for politician before international travel
OTTAWA- After a huge jump in cases, the federal government has now mandated that all international passengers must test negative for politician. “The cases are growing at an alarming rate,&…
Guitar sitting in your closet can’t wait to get to second bass
YOUR APARTMENT – After reaching first bass, the guitar in your closet expressed impatience and the thrill at the prospect of reaching second bass. “Oooh boy I’m so excited to touch their bo…
Glove model gets hand job
NEW YORK – Glove model Anton Kamilnik announced this morning with much excitement that he had finally received a hand job. “With the kind of proximity that they require,” said Kamilnik, “in…
Cheers turn to silent horror as New Year’s countdown reads -1, -2, -3
NEW YORK — Excited cheers rang out over a much sparser but still festive Times Square Thursday evening as the few onsite personnel gathered to bid farewell to 2020. But the usual joyful chants of…
Egyptian authorities announce discovery of 13 completely sealed copies of Shasta McNasty on DVD
CAIRO – The world was rocked today as the Egyptian Ministry of Antiquities unveiled the discovery of 13 completely sealed DVDs of the late 1990s TV show Shasta McNasty. Rumors surrounding t…
2020: The year we all became incels
OTTAWA – Reports from the nation’s uncoupled population indicate that 2020 is the year we all became involuntary celibates. “It’s been a hard year.” Says Abby Aquino of Hamilton. “My sex li…
Public Health Agency of Canada advises to keep New Year’s kisses “to immediate family only”
OTTAWA – In a desperate attempt to quell the rising spread of COVID-19, the Public Health Agency of Canada put out a notice today warning Canadians against going out to celebrate New Year’s…
