QUEEN’S PARK – As part of the province’s reopening plan, the Ontario government announced last week that Ontarians will be allowed to go camping this summer, as long as the trips are for business purposes or completely unenjoyable.
“Research has shown that COVID cases increase proportionally with people enjoying themselves,” Ford announced from Queen’s Park. “Therefore, we have decided to allow campsites to open for essential purposes only. My experts have assured me that no more than 3 people have ever wanted to go camping at a given time, so it should be very easy to social distance.”
“Honestly, this is kind of a mixed bag,” said Junior VP Anna Walt, going over reports from her campsite at Algonquin park. “I hit a few snags when my laptop fell out of my canoe and my assistant was mauled by a bear, but all the fresh air is a really nice change of pace. Plus, no one can tell me to stop grumbling about how many bug bites I’m getting.”
The Ontario government is taking a number of steps to make sure all camping trips are safely horrible, including sabotaging all kayak paddles, planting several new patches of poison ivy, and assigning each campsite a drill sergeant dad who’s pissed off about getting caught in traffic.
The theory that the spread of COVID is accelerated through fun is quickly gaining traction amongst disease experts. “Having fun results in mouth opening from laughter, which aids in the spread of airborne diseases. Why do you think we haven’t had an outbreak at a school yet?” Said Dr. Candice Lam of the CDC. “It stands to reason that an activity that 95% of the time results in someone storming off by themselves should be perfectly safe.”
Other reopening measures the Ford Government is taking to reduce the enjoyment-vectored spread of COVID include closing all affordable golf courses, only allowing the use of private basketball nets, and reopening every patio restaurant that has less than two stars on Yelp.
The Ontario government would like to remind readers that camping due to homelessness is not considered to be essential at this time. Violators will be prosecuted.