Ford closes hospitals to prevent COVID from spreading to precious construction sites
TORONTO – Ontario’s hospitals, long-term care homes, and other health care facilities will be shuttered for the next six weeks to prevent COVID from spreading to the province’s vulnerable c…
4 ways to justify your late night Denny’s run to the cops
Doug Ford is giving Ontario’s police the power to stop anyone and ask why they’ve left their home in order to crunch down on rising COVID cases. But don’t let that stop you from crunching d…
Ford confident he can defeat public health crisis with civil rights crisis
TORONTO – Following a massive increase in COVID cases in Ontario, Premier Doug Ford has decided that the best way to defeat this unprecedented threat to human life is with an equally unprec…
Ford refuses Red Cross aid after realizing red is a Liberal colour
TORONTO — The Federal Government offered to deploy the Canadian Red Cross today in order to provide Ontario with support for its vaccination clinics and healthcare system in the midst of a debili…
Nintendo announces that the last of your neglected Animal Crossing villagers have died
REDMOND, WASHINGTON – As part of their latest update to Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Nintendo announced that players who haven’t visited their island in several months have doomed their animal …
Canadian geese reaffirm plans to fuck up every walk you take from now until November
LONDON, ON – Meeting in a vast pile of their own chartreuse shit, an assembly of Canadian Geese gathered to mark the annual renewal of their commitment to make every walk you take within th…
Ontario bans non-essential jacking off
TORONTO – At a press conference this morning Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province would be banning all non-essential jacking off to combat the rise of COVID-19. “List…
Bernie Madoff dies after failing to convince 3 other people to die for him
BUTNER, NC – Representatives for Bernie Madoff, orchestrator of the largest Ponzi scheme in history, have confirmed the financial fraudster has died in prison after failing to recruit 3 peo…
Liberal MP promotes his OnlyFans page during Virtual Question Period
OTTAWA – After being caught totally naked on camera during a recent Virtual Question Period, Liberal MP William Amos assured his constituents he was simply trying to raise the profile of hi…
