MONTREAL – A local woman has begun shopping for brand new clothes, even though nothing fucking matters anymore. “I’m sick of everything I own”, says Layla Veenstra, who just finished a document...
80s nostalgia peaks with return of hole in ozone layer
WATERLOO – The 80s revival inspired by the hit Netflix show Stranger Things has reached new heights as scientists announced they have discovered a hole in the ozone layer. “If you thought the wo...
Rogers announces all customers affected by nationwide outage will receive free copy of Ted Rogers’ autobiography
TORONTO – After a massive nationwide outage left people without internet, cable or phone for 24 hours or longer Rogers Communications Inc. reiterated how sorry it was and promised that everyone ...
Student driver fails “Yelling at innocent cyclist” portion of road test
TORONTO, ON – Seventeen-year-old Alexandra Green failed her road test yesterday after neglecting to scream and curse at a law-abiding cyclist. The biker, who was safely riding on the right side of th...
Putin determines cyber attack against Canada not necessary since Rogers is far more effective
MOSCOW – Russian President Vladimir Putin has determined that allowing the existence of Rogers Telecommunications as a major provider in Canada is much better than launching a cyber attack again...
Rogers proudly announces $10 service charge for “Unplug and Relax” nationwide outage
TORONTO – Rogers Canada has proudly announced that all of their customers nationwide who experienced cellphone and internet outages yesterday will only be charged a low $10 service charge for th...
Juraj Slafkovský excited to play in front of Montreal’s famously patient and understanding fans
MONTREAL – After being selected first overall in the 2022 NHL draft, 18-year-old Slovakian left winger Juraj Slafkovský is thrilled by the opportunity to play for Montreal’s serene hockey fando...
Rogers offers Canada’s fastest, most reliable outages across the country
Paid Advertisement Experience Canada’s most reliable 5G network outages! Rogers Communications Inc. allows customers to deny access to the most basic telecommunications services. Upgrade to Rogers In...
Boris Johnson leaves yet another party disheveled and without a clue what’s going on
LONDON, UK — After numerous calls for his resignation, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has finally stumbled out of the Conservative Party despite not understanding what he did to piss everyone of...
Friend who knows more about finance than you always losing money
MISSISSAUGA, ON – According to a recent analysis of financial trends within your friend group, it was revealed that your friend Liam who totally knows everything about finance is also the same f...
