TORONTO, ON — Torontonian Mark Law has won a highly competitive local race, finishing his commute as the winner of the coveted “Seated Train Ride Home”. On Line 1 at Bloor-Yonge Station, Law beat…
Success of Spotify Wrapped leads to controversial PornHub Rectumspective
MONTREAL — Following the footsteps of Spotify’s Wrapped feature, PornHub has released “PornHub Rectumspective”, allowing users to view and share data on all their explicit viewing hab…
Capitalism win! Local man’s day off busier than his day on
TORONTO, ON — In a landmark win for capitalism, a local Torontonian man finds himself busier on his two days off than on the five days he’s at work. “I think this feels right,” said Gary Ma. “I w…
US condemns Iran for policing women’s bodies the wrong way
NEW YORK CITY — In his address to the United States General Assembly on Wednesday, US President Joe Biden condemned Iran’s violent enforcement of the country’s hijab law, saying the right way to …
Toronto police spend $1m on flip flops for officers to patrol beaches
TORONTO, ON — Toronto Police Service are spending $1 million on flip flops as officers have patrol the beaches for this year’s Summer season. “It’s a matter of having our officers adequately equi…
Boris Johnson leaves yet another party disheveled and without a clue what’s going on
LONDON, UK — After numerous calls for his resignation, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has finally stumbled out of the Conservative Party despite not understanding what he did to piss everyo…
Canada celebrates Asian Heritage Month as Asia celebrates May
VANCOUVER — Canada is celebrating the history of Canadians of Asian heritage this month while on the other side of the world, Asia celebrates yet another May. 2022 marks the 20th anniversary of t…
Amid rising gas prices, Flintstone cars top sales
OTTAWA, ON — Flinstone cars, officially known as Cavemobiles, top car sales in Canada amid rising gas prices as Canadians try to cut costs wherever they can. With gas prices well above 170 cents/…
Studies confirm watching an in-flight movie from four rows behind makes it 10x better
VANCOUVER, BC — Researchers at University of British Columbia have confirmed the theory that watching an in-flight movie from four rows behind makes it 10x better. “It’s an age-old question that …
Local parents concerned Elden Ring some kind of sex toy
TORONTO, ON — Reports indicate many Canadian parents believe Elden Ring is some form of sex toy, as FromSoftware’s newest video game hits 12 million copies sold in 18 days. Many parents were deep…