Jen Reeves, Author at The Beaverton

BREAKING: Jesus seeks new brand management

GOLGOTHA – After a tumultuous, decades-long relationship with Evangelical Christians, Jesus H. Christ finally announced He is seeking bids for new brand management. The announcement arrived…

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Woman shops for new wardrobe, like it matters

MONTREAL – A local woman has begun shopping for brand new clothes, even though nothing fucking matters anymore.  “I’m sick of everything I own”, says Layla Veenstra, who just finished a doc…

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4 tips for getting your body ready for tick season

MUSKOKA – As the weather gets warmer, it’s natural to feel a little vulnerable about showing extra skin, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Tina Fontina, entomologist and personal trainer, is he…

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Peaches vow to use your face as butt emoji

NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE – Thousands of peaches rolled down Queen Street to protest their famous emoji, which they claim is a lewd depiction of their community. Demonstrators held signs with the…

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