PRINCE ALBERT – According to local historians, 98-year-old Dorothy Lamb exchanged letters with Prime Minister Diefenbaker they describe as “thoughtful,” “nuanced,” and “almost impossibly horny.” “We ...
Breaking: This person has practiced for more than 10,000 hours and still sucks
TORONTO – Tim Ponsly, a local drummer who recently hit the 10,000 hours of practice needed to be regarded by many professionals as a master of his craft, still sucks. “Very few have reached the...
Marit Stiles named Ontario NDP Leader after everyone else yells “Not it!”
TORONTO – Davenport MPP Marit Stiles has been named leader of the Ontario NDP after literally every other member of the party jumped backward, touched their noses, and yelled “Not it!” at the sa...
Health Canada draws attention to overlooked bivalent COVID vaccine by taking off its glasses and giving it bangs
OTTAWA – Officials at Health Canada have come up with a new strategy to drum up attention for the new bivalent COVID vaccine – by taking off its glasses and some chic bangs. “I know the bi...
This winter’s hottest beauty trend: Conventional attractiveness
Temperatures are low, nights are long, and cuffing season is in full swing. But what are the most up-to-date hair, beauty, and fashion trends you should be following this year to turn heads during the...
Quebec Premier states province can barely discriminate against the immigrants it already has
QUEBEC CITY, QC – Premier of Quebec Francois Legault has recently asked the federal government for more support with its number of immigrants, stating the province can barely produce enough xeno...
Lazy, entitled teacher to spend entire weekend grading essays again
Strathmore, AB ― Sources confirm that local 11th- and 12th-grade English literature teacher Marian Jansen has already made plans for the weekend, and they once again involve just sitting around on her...
Amateur magician pulls most of rabbit out of hat
EDMONTON – Rookie magician Marty Merlin has shocked and amazed onlookers at Trevor White’s ninth birthday party by removing most of a rabbit from his top hat. “Behold, Peter the Third in all his fluff...
Canada’s criminals having trouble keeping up with all of Canada’s new gun laws
OTTAWA – With the federal government mulling further changes to definitions in The Firearms Act that could affect the legality of numerous categories of currently non-restricted rifles, Canada’s...
Kanye changes name to Yitler
LOS ANGELES – In what is just the latest of his many character reinventions, Kanye West has announced he will be formally adopting the name Yitler. “I live my life and I live my truth. And it’s import...
