OTTAWA – With the federal government mulling further changes to definitions in The Firearms Act that could affect the legality of numerous categories of currently non-restricted rifles, Canada’s criminals have expressed frustration at the difficulty of keeping up with the finer points of Canada’s firearms legislation.
“It seems like every month they’re tweaking some legislation that could impact what firearms are and are not allowed. And now they’re saying they’re going to ban more types of rifles, but the definition seems super vague, it’s really hard to keep track,” says one member of an organized crime group that imports vast sums of narcotics every week.
“If a new type of rifle is outlawed I need to know so I can instruct my employees to surrender them to the police straight away.”
“Last time I met my gun dealer in an abandoned parking lot to buy some high-powered assault rifles with the serial numbers filed off, I asked him if he could help clarify some of the finer points of the new legislation, just to ensure I’m on the right side of the law,” said one contract assassin, who requested he remain nameless.
“He didn’t seem to know either, but he did seem pretty confident that whatever changes there were wouldn’t affect his business practices.”
“I’m still trying to wrap my head around the handgun ban,” says one local mobster, a handgun tucked into his waistband. “When I whacked a guy with this piece right here the other week, you’re telling me this class of firearm may not have been permitted? I could get in a lot of trouble! They really need to be more clear about this stuff.”
Of the various aspects of the updated definition in the Firearms Act, most criminals agreed the most concerning was the outlawing of any rifle that can hold a magazine with more than five bullets.
Many criminals familiar with guns pointed out that any rifle that accepts a legal five-round magazine can also accept a longer version of the same magazine, because that’s how magazines work, making the definition apply to any rifle that takes a magazine, despite the fact that high-capacity magazines are already illegal.
According to criminal industry groups, such a ban could put a serious damper in any drive-by operations or large scale shootouts.
At press time, all criminals were relieved when they collectively reminded themselves that the great thing about being a criminal is that they don’t follow the law, and that the new gun laws would only apply to legal hobbyist gun owners, who as a condition of their gun license have never committed a single crime in their life.