OTTAWA – Officials at Health Canada have come up with a new strategy to drum up attention for the new bivalent COVID vaccine – by taking off its glasses and some chic bangs.
“I know the bivalent vaccine looks a little dowdy and unappealing right now,” explained Chief Public Health Officer Theresa Tam. “But I only take bets I can win. And I bet the doctors that I could turn this vaccine into a smokeshow public health measure that effortlessly stops your veins from going all Stroke-O’Clock.”
The campaign, called Operation You Belong in Me, is the first government initiative to launch under the Movie Montage Act of 1998. Reps will take the vaccine to the mall and put her in a bunch of silly outfits, and one good outfit right at the end. After a brief Jamba Juice break to discuss which MP is the hunkiest, they will then proceed to the salon for the most divisive part of the plan – bangs.
“I know the bangs are kinda dicey but frankly, these vaccines are no Rachel Leigh Cook,” Tam elaborated. “They’re dowdy but dependable. More like a Richard Karn type. Let’s just say we’re working with what we’ve got.”
The program was designed during an intense PR summit where movie homage possibilities were considered. One rep suggested posing the vaccine outside of every house in Canada with a boombox blaring Peter Gabriel, while others wanted to load the vaccines onto roombas for a simulated chase through a crowded airport, ideally moments before the departure of the jab’s recipient’s one-way flight to Paris.
“In the end, it came down to two ideas,” Tam continued. “And with the government’s SFX budget, it seemed unlikely that we could convincingly portray the vaccine bursting through PM Trudeau’s chest like in Alien.”
When reached for comment about her gorgeous new makeover, the vaccine blushed and said that while it was the life-saving medicine on the inside that counts, it was pretty fun to watch that bully Ivermectin get his comeuppance in front of everyone at prom.