QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario’s premier has officially challenged the President of the United States to a corruption fight in a parking lot behind a local Etobicoke high school.
After two days of Donald Trump calling Doug Ford the “less charismatic, intelligent, and overall unimpressive” brother of Rob Ford, and Ford calling Donald a “loser” and the “King of Bankruptcies,” the two loudmouth trust fund failsons have elected to settle their differences in the parking lot behind the portables where the cool kids smoke.
“Folks, the one thing you need to know about Donald ‘I’ve Never Even Dealt Hash To Schoolchildren’ Trump is that I bet he’s not prepared to deal with the level of blatant corruption that comes with being the best premier Ontario has ever had,” Ford stated in the parking lot, as his assistants scrambled to un-redact his cell phone records in time for the fight.
“Sure, he’s run hotels, steaks, and casinos into the ground, but has he ever destroyed a beloved science centre after lying about how it was seconds from crumbling? Has he used his daughter’s wedding as a ‘pay-to-play’ event for rich real estate moguls to talk to him?” Ford cracked his knuckles after signing a last-minute bill to destroy the nearest endangered bird habitat. “Bring it on, fuckface. I’ll build an Austrian spa on your grave.”
Representatives for Donald Trump’s side of the fight reported that his first round would involve his 34 felony counts, Stormy Daniels lawsuit, and World Liberty Financial, boasting about how Ford, while “corrupt as hell on an adorably local level,” couldn’t touch the high-stakes world of financial crypto-corruption.
“If the fight goes on longer than expected, we are willing to play the Epstein Files card,” noted White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller, after receiving his daily dose of human blood for sustenance. “Until then, though, the Epstein Files don’t exist. However, I’ll admit, the premier selling hard drugs to the teens at this school this very morning in preparation for this fight was impressive.”
While Trump initially suggested holding the corruption-off in a cage match on the White house lawn funded entirely by corporate donations that would vanish into his pockets, the decision was eventually made to hold the event behind the Etobicoke high school where Doug Ford was a mid-level 1980s hash dealer.
Hours later, the weigh-in for the fight was cancelled after both combatants devolved into screaming “Don’t you know who my father is?!” at each other.
At press time, Ford was telling the assembled media how useful the current trade war was for distracting the people of Ontario away from the fact that he is currently attempting to murder every cyclist in Toronto.
