WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a robust initial showing, US President Donald J. Trump has announced to Canadians that he is unable to keep his strong tariffs going, in part “due to American booze”.
White House insiders explain that Trump’s tariffs, “while oddly-formed and taking an unusual shape”, were initially intended to last much longer.
“Mr. Trump had planned for his rigid tariffs to endure indefinitely, but unfortunately they were no match for the bourbon,” the aide said, referring to panicked calls from US liquor manufacturers whose products have been removed from Canadian shelves.
Warned the aide, “When it comes to keeping your trade strong, Jack Daniels can leave you soft every time.”
While official word out of the Trump White House is that this kind of tariff collapse “has never happened to them before”, many are pointing to the exact same lack of stamina during Trump’s February tariffs.
Back in Ottawa, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, expressed confusion that Trump’s tariff threat had already come to a quick and limp end.
“On the phone Donald said that his big strong tariffs would last longer than anybody could possibly imagine,” explained Trudeau. “But now they’ve shrivelled to the point where they only apply to non-CUSMA goods, if that.”
Trudeau added, “When it comes to strong lumber, always buy Canadian.”
Back at the White House, Trump remained boastful about his economic front. “Many countries have said that a Trump tariff is the largest and most beautiful one they’ve ever seen. Though I usually had to pay them to say that.”
At press time, President Trump was searching for a way to revive his flaccid tariffs, and was considering borrowing some of Elon Musk’s ketamine.
