Pope no longer returning God’s calls
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI, Bishop of Rome and Servant of the Servants of God, has not been returning God’s phone calls, according to Pontifical Household sources. “It’s really …
Lazy charity holds annual Drive for the Cure campaign
CALGARY – A record number of drivers showed up Monday morning for the General Motors Drive for the Cure, an event held yearly in Calgary’s downtown. Sidewalks were closed off from 8:30am to…
Rob Ford probably doing something stupid right now
TORONTO – Although he is not currently in the public eye or available for comment, city officials, journalists, and citizens of Toronto are all in agreement that mayor Rob Ford is probably …
Japan shuts down last nuclear reactor not part of a giant robot
JAPAN – Japanese Environment Minister, Goshi Hosono, announced today the closure of Japan’s last nuclear plant not powering a giant robot. “Because of the Fukushima disaster, al…
Ghost would like to move on now that scores are settled
WINNEPEG, MB – Initially intent on wreaking mild inconvenience on his enemies, the bored ghost of Mark Sammon, 34, realized earlier this week that his average life left him without enough h…
Study: 83% of human bodies ‘pretty gross’
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Researchers at the new Human Studies Institute of the world famous CERN Laboratory in Switzerland announced today the results of their study into the human body, revea…
‘Hunger Games’ themed sweet sixteen gets way out of hand
BRACEBRIDGE, ON – Police were dispatched to the Claire family’s Arbordale residence yesterday morning, after reports that Madison Claire’s Hunger Games-themed birthday party had…
No one shows up to Michael Ignatieff’s basketball party
OTTAWA – None of the 25 guests invited by Michael Ignatieff to his weekend basketball-birthday party either showed up or sent an RSVP, the former Liberal Party leader told reporters. “…
Man spends $3000 dollars on snakes in one day
HALIFAX – Local herpetophile James Carruthers spent upwards of $2900 on 2 juvenile Burmese pythons in the back room of Sammy’s pet store earlier this afternoon. “Snakes are the …
