Imaginary friend from childhood now unemployed, just needs a place to crash
BARRIE, ON – Recent graduate Kyle Parsons, 23, was taken aback this week by the reappearance of his imaginary childhood friend, Silly Pete, who showed up on Parson’s doorstep with a suitcas…
Rest of world collectively agrees that Spanish and Portuguese are basically the same language
NEW YORK – In a rare moment of near unanimity, the member states of the United Nations General Assembly came together yesterday afternoon passing a motion affirming the fundamental belief t…
Harvey’s employee refuses to make burger Stephanie’s ‘stupid fucking’ way
BOWMANVILLE, ON – Long time Harvey’s employee Rick Mauran is facing an internal employment review, and possible disciplinary action, after he refused to make a burger to customer Stephanie Harris…
NDP asks to be included on mailing list for future murder-dismemberments
OTTAWA – Yesterday, NDP leader Thomas Mulcair sent a stern and clear message to any future murderers and dismemberers who wish to attract the public spotlight: next time, please include the…
Unpaid intern quits for lucrative sweatshop position
SHENZHEN, CHINA – Amir Robinson, 24, quit his unpaid internship with a small Canadian television station last week for a much better paying position assembling wallets in an overseas sweats…
Friend accused of premature reminiscing
TORONTO – Though friends Brian Burke, 28, and Keith Pittman, 30, mutually enjoyed a four-day road trip to Montreal, Burke was accused of prematurely reminiscing about the event. “We were on…
Mustachioed pediatrician doesn’t understand why business is slow
KAMLOOPS, BC – Longtime pediatrician Dr. Lester said he had “no idea” why parents had stopped bringing their kids to his children’s health centre, despite having recently …
Foreign Minister spending way too much time at home
OTTAWA – Since his appointment as Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs last May, the honourable John Baird has been spending an excessive amount of time at home, much to the disappointment …
Corporations to phase out environment in next 10 years
CALGARY – Several large corporations in Canada and the U.S. have announced plans to completely phase-out the environment by 2022 in order to focus on profits. “Performance reviews indicated…
Catholic Church rebrands Original Sin as ‘Sin Classic’
VATICAN CITY – Looking to renew interest in Catholicism among consumers aged 16-27, the Catholic Church announced yesterday that it would be rebranding its Original Sin to ‘Sin Classi…
