Reporters worried nation of Vimy Ridge, Kandahar has lost its innocence
OTTAWA – According to numerous international columnists, the recent murder of soldier Nathan Cirillo and the subsequent shootout in Parliament have caused the nation of Canada, which has fo…
NFL successfully raises awareness about biggest threat to women, other than players
NEW YORK – The NFL has declared themselves victorious in this month’s Pink Ribbon campaign to raise awareness about breast cancer, a disease that poses the biggest threat to women’s h…
CNN disappointed with Canadians’ lack of panic
OTTAWA – Following widespread, international coverage of the murder of a war memorial guard by a radicalized man with terrorist sympathies and the subsequent shootout in Parliament, news me…
Kinky Canadian scientist can’t wait to be muzzled
TORONTO – While preemptively binding himself with rope, Dr. Saul Goldberg, a prominent ecologist and S&M aficionado, expressed his excitement at being completely muzzled and degraded by…
Satan rejects endorsements from shitty metal bands
Hell via Des Moines, Iowa – Earlier today, Satan, the Lord of Darkness, officially rejected endorsements from “shitty” metal bands, who constantly praise Him in their lyrics. Th…
October 20, 1970: FLQ cell requires Bescherelle to write this week’s ransom note
MONTREAL – Members of the Front de libération du Québec ‘Liberation Cell’ were forced to use a Bescherelle after struggling with their French grammar writing their weekly ransom note “Is th…
Canada to politely bomb ISIS
KUWAIT CITY – After receiving parliamentary approval to conduct airstrikes in Iraq, Canada’s CF-18s will bombard ISIS targets in a friendly and polite manner. “We know that ISIS poses a sig…
ISIS recruitment campaign targets angry gamers with promise of real life war on women
SALT LAKE CITY, UT – Following the GamerGate controversy and the use of online bullying and threats of violence against female game makers and journalists, ISIS has begun seeking recruits i…
Bored guy could eat
VANCOUVER – After nearly three hours of aimlessly wandering around, local dude Adrian Lemmoux had it apparent that he could munch on something. “I mean, I did just have that roast beef sand…
Kilometres wide power outage in downtown Calgary affects dozens
CALGARY – An electrical fire in the power grid plunged dozens of blocks in the heart of Calgary into total darkness over the weekend, causing significant inconvenience and uncertainty for t…
