Pine tree sacrificed to Christian gods - The Beaverton

Pine tree sacrificed to Christian gods

CHRISTENDOM –  As part of a millennia long religious practice, pine trees around the globe have been murdered and offered as sacrifice to please the three Christian Gods and their prophet, .

According to believers of this ancient mysticism, if a house does not cut down a pine tree, place it within their abode and decorate it with lanterns, glass bulbs with hooks and shiny pieces of plastic, gifts from the heavens will not be bestowed upon the family, as they have been deemed unworthy to the red, bearded Saint, whose single minded duty is to tally the deeds of the living, and judge them on a year-by-year basis, placing them in one of two categories: naughty or nice.

“While our modern sensibilities may initially react with scorn when we hear of this action, we should not judge these primitive peoples or their actions, which are comparable to the ancient Egyptian’s practice of mummification, or the Greek’s belief that the sun was being pulled by a ’s chariot,” said Patrick O’Callighan, Professor of Christian Studies at Lakehead University.

O’Callighan went on to describe how it was vital that the sacrificed tree be of pine stock.

“This bizarre ritual will not be fully realized with a birch, palm or maple tree, for example. To do so would be to invite horror upon your family, in the form of the long dead corpses of creatures pressed deep beneath the crust of the earth, and crushed into hydrocarbon rich rock. No one knows why this happens. It’s not in the Bible, which is like a Christian’s Quran.”

All the while, the tree suffers a long and slow death. Its needles slowly wither and fall from the branches, as it is kept on a cruel life support, given the barest of water its base of where its roots used to extend. The tree feels the full pain of its existence and cries out tears of sap for weeks on end, as the burning lights wrapped around its limbs keep it in a bondage of spectacle to be gawked at by the practitioners of this barbaric undertaking. Presents wrapped in the dyed and mashed pulp from the bodies of other trees are made to sit underneath the pine, as a inhumane reminder of a fate that awaits.

However, practicing members of the faith had a strong defence for their actions.

“The tree is pretty,” said Katlyn Miller, 8-years-old, from Edmonton, AB.

“I like the lights. And the star on top sparkles.”

Fringe members of the Christian cult have opted to replace the living tree with a plastic simulacrum. But even they acknowledged this was mostly a cost-saving move.