MONTREAL – The convicted head of an organized crime syndicate in Montreal has been found responsible for ordering the murder of a rival gang member who died after sustaining multiple massage wou...
2016’s dead music icons form unlistenable supergroup in Heaven
HEAVEN – Boasting a lineup that includes some of the greatest talent of the 20th and 21st centuries, the deceased music icons of 2016 debuted a new supergroup in the afterlife this week with rev...
Quiz: Which of these unfinished cartons of eggnog are you?
It’s Christmas, which means it’s eggnog season! There’s so much wonderful eggnog to drink, and so little time to drink it all. Which of these unfinished cartons of eggnog are you? We simply have to kn...
EDITORIAL: You have no fucking idea what you’re in for
By: 2017 Recently, millions of you have been posting online about how terrible 2016 has been. How mean and unfair and downright rude it has been to you. How it killed great celebrities, or was a disas...
Film featuring two female characters having a conversation about margarine passes the Becel Test
HOLLYWOOD – Vegetable oil advocates around the world are celebrating the release of “Two if By Sea”, which successfully passes the Becel Test with its unflinching depiction of women freely discussing ...
Man covered in burn marks does not understand the term “personal branding”
VICTORIA – Self-dubbed “marketing aficionado” Lester Plant is beginning to worry his friends and family, as he becomes increasingly covered in serious burns in an effort to step up his personal ...
Fuck Town
New CBC show promises to be even edgier than Schitt’s Creek....
Local man somehow always wakes up in Peterborough every time he gets blackout drunk
PETERBOROUGH, ON – After a late night spent drinking with friends and bar-hopping, Toronto man Mackenzie Phillips woke up in Peterborough yet again this morning. “Oh geez bud, the ‘borough again...
Local dad wakes screaming from nightmare in which he failed to beat weekend traffic
TORONTO – Carson Evans, a local father of three, awoke last night in a cold sweat after having a nightmare in which he failed to beat cottage traffic on a Friday afternoon. “Leave… Leave at̷...
Snob only reads novelizations of films
REGINA, SK – Searching for authentic storytelling, local coffee shop assistant manager Shawn Brockston says he is done with mainstream Hollywood films, opting to only read the novelizations of f...
