KITCHENER – In the latest in a series of heavy cutbacks, Postmedia Network has announced they will be scaling back the company to a single coffee machine in Kitchener. “We at Postmedia believe t...
Online university hosts online homecoming for alumni
THE INTERNET – Reflecting on the fond times they had together on various course modules, the 2007 Management Foundations class from Athabasca University celebrated 10 years since receiving their...
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announce their billion dollar stimulus to the UK economy
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton....
Unknown generation sought for questioning after brutal murder of local industry
THE CITY – Following the shocking murder of an aging industry, police are seeking an unknown generation for questioning about the crime. “At this point, the generation we’re looking for not a su...
In historic apology Trudeau promises LGBTQ soldiers that, from now on, they’ll only be mistreated for being veterans
Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton....
Halifax donair prepares to spend winter in man’s colon
HALIFAX – A recently-ordered extra large donair with the works is currently undergoing preparations to spend the winter months lodged in the colon of local call centre employee Justin MacIsaac, ...
6-year-old awakens from sugar-crash covered in temporary tattoos
GATINEAU, QC – After slowly coming to from a sugar-crash-induced nap, 6-year-old Phillippe Watkins was surprised to discover his body covered in temporary Cars 3 tattoos that he had no memory of...
Last Canadian journalist replaced with Advertorial Bot 5000 (Brought to You by Automaton Communication Technologies)
An excerpt from The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada. Available where books are sold. The Beaverton Presents Glorious and/or Free: The True History of Canada...
Good Deed Alert! We went to profile a Neo-Nazi, and he offered to write the profile himself!
And they say good manners are dead! This past week our editor gave us a tall order: to go find a normal, everyday-seeming Neo Nazi in the American heartland, and write an incisive expose revealing how...
Breaking: Rest of country’s night made worse due to winning team being from Toronto
OTTAWA – The rest of the country’s evening has been made worse after a sports championship was won by a team from Toronto. Upon hearing that the Toronto Argonauts defeated the Calgary Stampeders...
