TORONTO — With just hours before voters finish casting their ballots in the Ontario election, the NDP’s leadership has appealed to those seeking to prevent a PC win to make a strategic cho...
Bell Media prepares for Doug Ford era by renewing The Beaverton for a third season
TORONTO – In what will surely be remembered as the most consequential news of the day, Bell Media has elected to renew The Beaverton for a third season. “Statistically speaking, Doug Ford is alm...
Ontario Proud texts Ontarians pictures of their children at school, asks who they’re voting for now
TORONTO – After sending people across the provinces texts asking who they’re voting for, Conservative organization Ontario Proud has sent a follow up text showing pictures of their children to t...
Rest of Canada would appreciate it if Ontario would hurry the fuck up and vote already
EVERYWHERE THAT ISN’T ONTARIO – The rest of Canada is urging Ontario to please take whatever steps are necessary to conclude their tumultuous and extremely prolonged provincial election. “Our research...
Middle-aged men storm the television sets of the nation for D-Day documentaries
OTTAWA – Over one million middle-aged men will attempt to establish a foothold on couches and chairs across the country to witness the events of the D-Day landings as told through historical doc...
VIA Rail installs longer station platform for star-crossed lovers to chase train
MONTREAL – VIA Rail will be extending all of its station platforms in order to accommodate any lovers who want a few more fleeting moments saying goodbye to their soulmates by chasing the train....
Doug Ford’s approval rating surges among hacked BMO and Simplii Financial customers
TORONTO — A new poll reveals unanimous support for Doug Ford and the Ontario Progressive Conservative Party from BMO and Simplii Financial customers affected by the recent data breach. “I’ve never see...
Toronto Police replace 30 police cars with one environmentally friendly police streetcar
TORONTO – As part of an initiative to reduce TPS’ carbon footprint, 30 police cruisers have been replaced with one state of the art police streetcar. “We expect some growing pains for sure,” sai...
I’m pretty sure that crossing guard thinks I’m a kid
By: David Hester, 33. Does that crossing guard think I’m a kid? We definitely made eye contact when I was waiting for the walk signal at an intersection I would describe as “not worthy of concern.” I’...
Doug Ford finds millions in efficiencies in brother’s widow’s inheritance
Etobicoke, ON – After Renata Ford, his brother’s widow, accused him of stealing money from her Rob Ford’s estate, Doug Ford issued a statement showing how his cost-cutting measures actually help...
