EVERYWHERE THAT ISN’T ONTARIO – The rest of Canada is urging Ontario to please take whatever steps are necessary to conclude their tumultuous and extremely prolonged provincial election.
“Our research indicate this Ontario election has been going on for a very long time. It predates Confederation, it predates human settlement of North America, it predates agriculture and the written word. We just uncovered strong fossil evidence that there were originally more candidates from other hominin species that have gone extinct during the course of this goddamn election,” said Julia Zhang, head of the Ontario Election faculty at the University of Calgary.
In addition to being hundreds of thousands, if not millions of years old, the Ontario election has also dominated all news feeds in Canada for its entire duration, resulting in a state of well informed yet impotent rage in most of the country.
“I can’t even vote in the thing, why is it on every news channel, on every non-news channel, on every website, in every book, in the shape of the clouds in the sky, and woven into the fabric of my dreams?” asked Halifax resident Jon Post, taking a short break from banging his head against the wall to drown out the omnipresent buzz of Ontario politicians promising lower taxes in a province he’s never been to.
“Please, for the love of my sanity, chose a government already,” said Post. “Any government, any leader, I don’t care, make a rabid man-eating grizzly bear Premiere, just let this be over.”
“Oh, but don’t vote for that Ford guy, he seems like a giant ass.”
At press time, Elections Ontario had issued a press release predicting the election will hopefully be concluded before the sun engulfs the Earth in five billion years.