Kombucha makers urge public to “stay calm” following the escape of rogue scoby
GUELPH, ON – The makers of Calm Brew brand kombucha held a press conference today to tell local residents to “not panic” after a scoby – the living symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast re…
Trump beats spread by keeping US Government open almost 1 full year
WASHINGTON D.C. – At midnight, President Trump defied political pundits and Vegas bookmakers alike by keeping his United States Government open for a full year – much longer than any …
Local man celebrates birthday by treating himself to things he has in no way denied himself previously
HALIFAX — According to reports, local man Matt Burnham celebrated his 26th birthday by treating himself to things he consumes and/or partakes in on a regular basis. “It’s my birthday, so of cours…
Vancouver Aquarium and whales agree to hostage exchange
VANCOUVER—The Vancouver Aquarium and a pod of orca whales have agreed to trade prisoners in a move observers hope will reduce regional tensions. “We have spoken with our people, and we are confid…
Ghanaian child annoyed with helicopter sponsor parent’s constant letters
ACCRA, GH – Ten-year-old sponsor child Yoofi Nkrumah is reportedly tired of the constant nagging and micromanaging of his helicopter sponsor parent. Helen Gladstone from Toronto has been bu…
Violent escalation not going how ‘Deadwood’ fan expected
BRAMPTON, ON – Seeking to emulate the rough-and-tumble action featured on the critically acclaimed HBO series Deadwood, local man Louis Fresno is now in incredible pain after escalating a m…
Netflix to revive family-favourite Grandma
LOS ANGELES (AP) – Following the successful revivals of Fuller House, Gilmore Girls, and Arrested Development, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will be resurrecting your dead grandmother. “Nosta…
Oops! 7 times Margaret Wente accidentally plagiarized The Big Bang Theory
Writing is hard. Especially when you’re a columnist. You’re expected to have fresh perspectives every week. Which is why it’s totally understandable that sometimes you hear things on The Big Bang…
5 ways to avoid being accused of sexual harassment that are just ‘don’t commit sexual harassment’
It’s a scary time to be a sexual predator. The ongoing wave of firings and resignations has left many men wondering “am I next?” Here’s a few handy tips that will ensure you stay clear of righteo…
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