Oscars extend speech length so male winners have time to apologize for their actions

  Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…

Sad man with no ideas sits in café

VICTORIA — Following three hours of browsing the internet at Second Cup, aspiring writer Jeffrey Burgess sadly continues to have no ideas. “Getting out of the house helps open up my mind”, said B…

Canada ranked number 1 in list of countries that care the most about international rankings

TORONTO – Canada is taking the number 1 spot once again this year on US News and World Report’s annual ranking of the countries on Earth that care the most about international rankings. It’…

Canadian excellence! Nearly 80% of the Oscar-nominated films have been watched by someone in Canada

We should all be very proud of our nation’s contributions to the Oscar nominations because nearly 4/5ths of all Oscar nominated films have been seen by someone in Canada. Yes, some hardworking an…

In historic moment of bipartisanship Congress comes together to end shutdown for three whole weeks

  Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…

Silicon Valley tech bro accidentally reinvents the guillotine

San Francisco – A Silicon Valley startup is expressing regret today after realizing their groundbreaking smart device is a reinvention of the guillotine. “I didn’t realize I was inventing t…

Told you so: How the minimum wage hike sank my Tiki-themed casket store

Well, here we are, just weeks into Kathleen Wynne’s small business killing minimum wage hike fiasco, and just as I predicted, my Tiki-themed casket store is closing its doors for good. Right from…

Free prescription drugs for young Ontarians program revitalizes fake ID sector

TORONTO – Since Kathleen Wynne’s program providing free prescription drugs for Ontarians aged twenty-four and under launched this month, the province has reported a sharp increase in fake ID purc…

Canada discovers paying millions to host World Cup easier than getting there by being good at soccer

OTTAWA – Canada has discovered a new way for its team to qualify for the World Cup: paying millions of dollars to host the event. The joint bid from Canada, the United States and Mexico to …

Report: Baby at Women’s March a better feminist than you’ll ever be

TORONTO – Thousands of angry women, badass non-binary people, and apologetic men took to the streets on Saturday for the second annual Women’s March. People from all walks of life were in attenda…