Victoria, BC – After five years of fruitlessly investigating minor drug crimes at a local high school, sources have confirmed that undercover RCMP officer Frank ‘Frankie’ DeRosa now ...
Weird cousin performs two hours of knife tricks at family gathering
BURNABY BC – Guests of Aunt Linda’s annual summer barbeque were dumbfounded last Saturday when fourteen year-old Riley Cresswell performed knife tricks at them for 2 hours. “He dropped it a lot,...
Poll finds 17% of Canadians would support Maxime Bernier’s party just to see look on Andrew Scheer’s face
OTTAWA—A new poll shows that a surprisingly high number of Canadians would support the new People’s Party launched by Maxime Bernier solely for the pleasure of watching Conservative leader Andrew Sche...
Rise in conspiracy theories revealed to be driven by corkboard, string manufacturers
WASHINGTON D.C. — A federal task force has determined that the recent rise in online conspiracy theories has in fact been a well-coordinated plot by several powerful corporations designed to inc...
Eugene Melnyk figures now is a good time to ask Sens fans for another liver
OTTAWA – Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk has issued a statement through the organization asking the few remaining members of the Sens Army for another liver. In 2015, the Barbados-based bill...
Workplace round of Happy Birthday reveals no one sure of coworker’s name
CRANBROOK, B.C. – An otherwise ordinary round of Happy Birthday devolved into chaos at a crucial moment yesterday at the office of Cunningham & Partners, Ltd., exposing the office’s general ...
Saskatchewan kind of upset that you didn’t notice them using the notwithstanding clause earlier this year
REGINA – The Saskatchewan government announced today that it’s a little pissed that you didn’t even notice when the province used the notwithstanding clause this year to overrule a court decisio...
Jetsons reboot just family looking at their phones for 22 minutes
LOS ANGELES – Rebooting a nostalgic franchise for contemporary audiences, Hanna Barbera announced the latest incarnation of The Jetsons will include modern technology such as mobile phones, whic...
White friend just discovered this new show called “Atlanta”
KINGSTON, ON – Local white friend Conor Armstrong announced this week that he’s recently discovered an obscure new tv show called “Atlanta” — yeah, like the city. “It’s actually pretty good”, sa...
Yoga instructor who just finished two-week course excited to damage people’s spines
Kitsilano, BC — Newly certified yoga instructor Danielle Neal is looking forward to opening the hearts and warping the spines of members of her community. Neal’s fast-tracked “Power Yoga Trainin...
