Wikipedia shuts down due to crippling $3.00 deficit

SAN FRANCISCO – Internet encyclopedia Wikipedia revealed today that it will cease operation after suffering an insurmountable deficit of $3.00 this fiscal year. “Our accountants said …

Ontario PCs pass resolution to only recognize the two genders: folks and elites

TORONTO – At their party convention this weekend, Ontario Progressive Conservatives passed a resolution concluding that there are only two genders: hard-working, business-owning, mortgage-paying …

Baby determined to put entire housecat in mouth

VANCOUVER—Reports have confirmed that nine-month old Madison Karn wants more than anything in the world to fit her parents’ 10-year old Himalayan mix cat, Mittens, entirely into her mouth. Madiso…

Woman who refused toothpick, really “going for it” with fingernail

VICTORIA, BC — In a tense moment at the dinner table Jessica Trevors declined a toothpick and has taken to fully using her fingernail to get “whatever it is” out of her teeth. “I thought ma…

Monthly book club leader Karen announces that they will just read The Secret over and over again

BARRIE, ON – Members of the Snow Valley Very Dignified Book Collective were in crisis last Saturday when their leader Karen Pasternack announced that they would continue to read Rhonda Byrn…

North Korean leader blushes at number of standing ovations in Ontario Legislature

PYONGYANG – North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un was reportedly blushing after watching so many standing ovations for Premier Doug Ford by the Ontario PC caucus during Question Period. After a b…

Doctors warn this year’s flu vaccine may contain high levels of immunity

GENEVA – After getting preliminary test results, the World Health Organization is warning the public that getting this year’s flu vaccine may put you at risk of not contracting the often de…

Alberta looking for loving billionaire parents to adopt province’s 2000 orphan oil wells

EDMONTON – The government of Alberta is putting out a call today to find billionaires willing to take on the responsibility of caring for the province’s 2000 orphaned oil and gas wells aban…

Tony Clement releases shirtless apology video

  Watch this exclusive clip from The Beaverton.…

Jason Kenney claims he has ‘evolved’ from an anti-LGBTQ politician to one who doesn’t admit it while being recorded

CALGARY – After a recording released this week revealed that, in 2000, UCP leader Jason Kenney took strong positions against gay marriage and gay adoption, Kenny is defending himself by poi…