Mars probe glad to leave doomed Earth behind

PASADENA, CA – After successfully landing on the Martian surface, InSight, the $1 billion NASA probe, relayed the message back to headquarters that it’s glad to be off that “God forsaken” r…

GM asks for another bailout to improve efficiency of lay-off process

OSHAWA, ON – General Motors Canada is asking the federal and provincial governments for another financial bailout to help the corporation to terminate employment for thousands of Canadians …

Taco Bell introduces Cheesy Gordita Trough

Irvine, CA – Building on some of their most popular menu items and the basest instincts of their customers, Taco Bell unveiled their newest menu item, the Cheesy Gordita Trough. “We took th…

Canadian backpacker joins migrant caravan for ‘authentic Central American experience’

TIJUANA, MEXICO – Canadian Backpacker, Max Henderson, 22, previously reported missing during his backpacking trip through Central America, has been found traveling with a caravan of over 40…

Cannabis tourist expected Toronto to be cooler

TORONTO – Visitors from the U.S. were dismayed this week to learn that despite Canada’s recent marijuana legalization, the city of Toronto is still extremely boring. Ohio native Jenna Blake…

Curling team kicked off ice for being too sober

CALGARY — Local curling team, the Cowtown Curly Fries, were ejected from their match at the Calgary Bi-Annual Bonspiel yesterday for showing up to play completely unimpaired. Referee Dan Mi…

Trump clarifies that massive Chinese tariffs will not include racist T-shirts

WASHINGTON, DC – Following his controversial $200 billion tariffs on Chinese imports, President Trump clarified this week that the tariffs would not apply to racially insensitive clothing. “Many …

STUDY: TV shows made for teens exclusively consumed by mid-thirties viewers

LOS ANGELES — A recent study has proven that television specifically written for the teenage demographic is exclusively being consumed by people in their thirties. “At first we were flatter…

Liberals propose generous “Eat Shit and Die” bill to striking Canada Post union

OTTAWA – Citing her party’s strong support for organized labour and workers’ rights, Minister of Employment, Workforce Development and Labour Patty Hajdu tabled the generous “Eat Shit and D…

Proud Boys founder Gavin McInnes quits citing he ‘wouldn’t want to be part of a hate group that would have him as a member’

NEW YORK – After the FBI classified the hate group the Proud Boys as an “extremist organization”, founder Gavin McInnes has renounced his involvement, declaring ‘If a club of lo…