Nation forbids Mueller from playing games on his iPad until final report is handed in

Washington, DC – After the dismissal of Attorney General Jeff Sessions this week, the U.S. nation has expressed great concerns regarding the likelihood of Robert Mueller’s report on the Rus…

Woman discovers entire personality is complaining about being tired

HAMILTON, ON — After finally benefitting from a restful night’s sleep due to a Daylight Savings mishap, Vera Woods, has officially realized that her personality only consists of complaining…

Lonely woman relieved to know at least her phone is listening

HAMILTON, ON – After what felt like years of being invisible to the rest of the world, local lonely woman Nancy Opham was relieved to discover this week that her phone has been listening to…

Millions of Americans line up to give Ruth Bader Ginsburg one of their ribs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Millions of Americans across the country swarmed their local hospitals Thursday, offering up their ribs to Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The long-serving Supreme Court Justice fra…

Update: Poppy already lost

CANADA – Recent reports indicate that you have already lost your poppy that was attached to your jacket, sweater, or hat a few moments after pinning it there. The symbol of remembrance slid…

Mysterious leftover IKEA parts placed in bin with the others

ETOBICOKE, ON – Not having a clue of what else to do with them,  a local man placed the baffling extra pieces that came with a recently purchased “BILLY” bookcase inside a large bin in the …

Ontario’s new “open for business” signs criticized for failing to indicate operating hours

QUEEN’S PARK — Doug Ford’s new Welcome to Ontario signs featuring the slogan “Open for Business” have generated controversy amongst taxpayers for leaving out Ontario’s business hours.…

The Beaverton will pay whatever it takes to not see Tony Clement’s dick

Luke and the Panel (Michael Balazo, Kristy LaPointe and Ian MacIntyre) try not to get overwhelmed by how much news there is. They start by recapping the midterm elections and CNN’s coverage…

Trump fires Jeff Sessions as ‘treat to self’ after 6 days without constitutional crisis

WASHINGTON D.C. — United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions has resigned at the president’s request, a move Trump took as a reward to himself after lasting 6 whole days since his last co…

Maclean’s doing their best to one-up that time they said Canadian universities were “Too Asian”

TORONTO – Canadian news magazine Maclean’s has announced that their current cover, which features five white male conservative politicians unironically labelled as “The resistance,” was an …