Bernier signs People’s Party’s no embarrassment pledge, promptly kicked out

GATINEAU, QC – People’s Party leader Maxime Bernier was removed from the political caucus he founded after signing the mandatory ‘no-embarrassment’ pledge for riding association members. &#…

New York cheesecake retires to Florida

NEW YORK – After a celebrated run of 76 years as the king of desserts in the Big Apple, New York Cheesecake has announced today his retirement to the sunny beaches of Florida. “What can I s…

Neighbour somehow always throwing out sofa

TIMMINS, ON – Local residents are at a loss for how to deal with their neighbours at 618 Brookridge Ave., whose front yard is somehow constantly occupied by a sofa they are throwing away. M…

I’ve never tried weed before so I’m just going to eat 3 or 4 of these brownies

By: Justin English Just like everybody else I decided to try marijuana for the very first time now that it’s legal and Pastor Isaiah has said it’s ok. I have a condition known as baby lung that p…

New privacy rules will require companies to store secret data in the deep ocean of a woman’s heart

OTTAWA – New privacy legislation going into effect this week will require companies to take steps to protect user data by storing it in the endless expanse of a woman’s heart. Recent …

This Legend of Zelda sword will surely prove a sound investment

I was at Fan Expo when I saw it – A Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time replica sword. I would have walked right by if a teenage boy dressed as Deadpool didn’t bump me while sexually harassing…

Dog eared copy of “The Fountainhead” appointed as Ontario’s assistant treasurer

QUEEN’S PARK — After a meteoric rise through Ontario’s progressive conservative party, A dog eared copy Ayn Rand’s 1943 novel The Fountainhead has become Ontario’s Associate Minister …

Gym TV closed captioning delayed by an hour

PORT ALBERNI, BC – Members of the Alberni Valley Community Center have been in a state of overwhelmed confusion by the hour delay of their gym TV closed captioning. “We are trying our…

Activist begins Tinder date with land acknowledgement

TORONTO – Upon seeing one another in-person for the first time at local dive bar Scrungie’s, internet activist Dillon Sanders introduced himself to his date Rebecca Holder by way of a cerem…

Thirst trap liked by relatives

STEINBACH, MB – After posting a sexually alluring photo to his Instagram account in hopes of gaining the attention of his peers, 24 year old Peter Goertzen was disappointed to discover that…