Exhausted queer community asks why first out gay hockey player had to be a Predator
NASHVILLE, TN – In response to the groundbreaking announcement from Nashville Predators draft pick Luke Prokop stating that he is gay, celebrations within the spiritually-drained queer comm…
Space asks humanity to stop sending it trash
THE UNIVERSE – The unfathomable stellar expanse that comprises physical reality has politely asked the human race to cease and desist launching its trash off the planet. “It was bad enough …
Torontonians desperate for white friends with cottages who also like seasoning on food
TORONTO – Summer is in full swing, and as is customary, multiple locals have set out to try and acquire the rarest of rare humans- a white friend with a cottage who also likes food to be ad…
Unvaccinated Americans swayed by chance to visit Thompson, Manitoba
THOMPSON, MB — The federal government announced today that Canada will be opening its borders to fully-vaccinated Americans starting August 9th. Across the border, Ottawa’s announcement has seemi…
Wealthy man enjoys bonding with barista over finally going back to work
TORONTO – Today in an inspirational display of pandemic solidarity, a local wealthy man spent several minutes bonding with the barista at a neighbour cafe about how weird it is to finally g…
Woman two minutes into her first maskless outing already told to smile
KINGSTON – Less than one hundred and twenty seconds after venturing out into public without a mask for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic started, 28-year-old Maddie Herbert has alr…
Quiz: Is this scenario a plot point from The Handmaid’s Tale or something currently happening in Texas?
In current pandemic times when binge-watching is basically second nature, the line between what is television and what is reality is becoming increasingly fuzzy. For example: is the state of Texa…
Ford defends Ontarians’ constitutional right to infect their neighbours with Delta variant
QUEEN’S PARK – Premier Doug Ford firmly rejected the possibility of vaccine passports or forcing immunizations, citing Ontarians’ constitutional right to contract the deadly COVID-19 virus …
Local Satanist worried his church is only second most evil
BARRIE, ON – After reading about the latest controversy surrounding the Catholic church, devout Satanist Damien Winslow is conflicted on whether or not his faith is doing enough of the devi…
