OTTAWA – After spending a week flip flopping over whether he would repeal the Liberal government’s assault weapons ban, Conservative leader Erin O’Toole is now saying that Canadians ...
Jealous O’Toole orders staffers to throw rocks at him
GATINEAU, QC – Conservative Leader Erin O’Toole has instructed his staff to throw rocks at him at his next election event. “Jimmy, this sympathy [Trudeau] is getting in the press is not fair at ...
Key habit of successful people found to be plenty of free time to pursue goals
TORONTO – A recent study of the 1% has determined that the key habit of successful people is plenty of free time to pursue their goals. The study was conducted by researchers at the University ...
Anti-vax protestors throw rocks at Trudeau due to not having entered Bronze Age yet
LONDON, ON – During an election campaign stop Prime Minister Justin Trudeau faced anti-vaccine protestors who hurled rocks, namely because they lack the intelligence and evolutionary capabilitie...
Disney adult admits she would definitely fuck Goofy if given the chance
OSHAWA, ON – Kacey Corbett, a 33-year-old mother of two, recently admitted to a group of her peers, as well as to her family, she would fuck the Disney character Goofy if given the opportunity. ...
Fully vaccinated Albertans offer Jason Kenney $100 to move back to Ontario, never return
EDMONTON – Fully vaccinated Albertans have offered Premier Jason Kenney $100 if he immediately flies back to his native province and never returns. “We are offering Mr. Kenney a reward for doing...
Erin O’Toole breaks with platform by running for the Liberals
VANCOUVER – In another sudden platform shift, Conservative Party leader Erin O’Toole announced he will run under the Liberal Party banner. O’Toole made the announcement after reversi...
Scientists give up on artificial intelligence, begin work on artificial stupidity
Cambridge, Massachusetts ― A team of engineers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology unveiled the world’s first artificial stupidity prototype yesterday. They have dubbed their project the Arti...
Sound of three-ring binder snapping shut awakens primal fear in man
ABBOTSFORD, BC — Father-of-two Allen Marks was caught off-guard when he found himself suddenly gripped by white-knuckled horror while taking his children, Angie and Michelle, back-to-school shopping. ...
Highlights of the Liberals’ election platform
The Liberal Party released their election platform this week. Unfortunately no part of the 82-page document explained why they didn’t just do all of this instead of calling an election. But we s...
