QUEEN’S PARK – During a press conference to announce that he would be ending Ontario’s proof of vaccination system, Premier Ford clarified that he is not doing this to capitulate to the angry mo...
Police asked to help out at offices, retail stores while Ottawa residents do their job for them
OTTAWA – As local residents do their job of stopping angry convoy “protestors” from occupying the city, Ottawa police have been asked to at least pitch in and do some of these reside...
Woman told to go fuck herself would, in fact, rather be fucking herself
VICTORIA, BC – A woman recently told to go fuck herself has revealed that she would, in fact, rather be fucking herself. Kat Gagnon, 34, was just going about her regular day as a customer service repr...
Windsor blockade cleared after police deploy radical tactic of doing literally anything
WINDSOR, ON – A days-long protest on the Ambassador Bridge between Canada and the USA has come to a swift end after police employed the heretofore unimaginable tactic of doing their jobs even a ...
Winter Olympians issued heated condoms
News in Photos...
Coming clean: David Suzuki admits to thinking the Marineland jingle slaps
NIAGARA FALLS, ON – The world of environmental activism has been rocked by David Suzuki’s recent revelation: against his own morals, he loves the Marineland jingle as much as the rest of us. The...
Humiliating: Canadian women’s hockey team wins quarterfinals by a mere 11 goals
BEIJING – The Canadian women’s hockey team was embarrassed at the Winter Olympics after squeaking by Sweden in the quarterfinal with a meagre 11-0 victory. “Everyone in that locker room knows we can ...
Anti-vaccine convoys replace maple syrup as Canada’s number one export
OTTAWA – For the first time since Confederation, the top spot on the list of Canadian exports has shifted from the sweet syrup of the mighty maple tree to anti-vaccine, anti-government, pro-horn...
Oil and gas companies team up to fight climate change by eliminating “Warmest Regards”
CALGARY – Several giants of the Canadian oil and gas industry announced this week that they have teamed up to fight climate change by banning all employees from signing off emails with the phras...
Ghost of Pierre Elliott Trudeau urges Justin to “say the line”
OTTAWA – As protestors continue to occupy Ottawa streets with trucks, the spectral form of ex-PM Pierre Elliott Trudeau has reportedly taken to urging his son Justin to invoke his infamous line,...
