CALGARY – Several giants of the Canadian oil and gas industry announced this week that they have teamed up to fight climate change by banning all employees from signing off emails with the phrase “warmest regards”.
“Leaving behind a habitable planet for our great-grandchildren is one of the most important responsibilities we have, and we all need to do our part. Talking about the issue isn’t enough – it’s time for real, measurable action,” said Jeff Rogers, CMO of Suncor Energy Inc. “That’s why, starting immediately, we will ensure that employees no longer sign off their emails with “warmest regards”. Employees will now be encouraged to sign off with “lukewarm regards”, “tepid regards” or even “slightly chilly regards”, but we will be vigilant in ensuring that no regards ever exceed the current global mean temperature of our failing planet.”
“9 out of 10 scientists we blackmail with grant money agree that, without the added warmth of all those regards, the polar ice caps will melt a full seven minutes later than they would have otherwise.”
The move has been controversial among oil and gas employees, with many saying that companies are going too far.
“I thought this was Canada, not North Korea,” said 46-year-old pipefitter Gary Hill, speaking from the cab of a 10-cylinder truck he was idling in his driveway. “If I want to dump some steaming hot regards on my boss’s desk, I should have the God-given right to. I got a paper straw in my iced capp yesterday, I’ve already done my bit for the planet.”
At press time, Canadian energy companies were also in the early stages of test-driving new climate change campaigns that would train all employees to swap the phrase “hot and bothered” for “average temperature and aroused”.
