Study: MPs spend majority of their time fantasizing about beating up Pierre Poilievre

OTTAWA – An independent study tracking how our elected Members of Parliament spend their day has found that, in average work week, the majority of an MPs time is spent sitting at their desk…

Shoppers Drug Mart promises 500 Optimum Points for every case of COVID contracted in-store

TORONTO – With the Ontario Government unveiling a plan to conduct symptomatic COVID-19 tests inside Shoppers Drug Mart stores, the pharmacy giant has announced that every shopper who contra…

Tim Hortons confirms that only vaccinated employees will be allowed to spit into the Iced Capp machine

LEDUC – As part of ongoing pandemic response measures, national coffee chain Tim Hortons has confirmed that employees will not be allowed to spit into the Iced Capp machine until they’ve ha…

Funeral organist already sweating nervously in anticipation of Sondheim memorial

NEW YORK – Following the death of American musical theater legend Stephen Sondheim at age 91, the organist at the Midtown Synagogue is reportedly “sweating bullets” while attempting to prac…

BREAKING: World Health Organization announces Black Friday deals on new omicron variant

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – The World Health Organization has announced a last minute doorcrasher deal on the latest COVID variant, omicron, just in time for Black Friday shopping. “With the Chri…

“I can’t turn down this deal,” says man buying eight grand pianos for the price of seven

EDMONTON – Local sources report that shopper Dan Hibbert has been talked into buying a bulk pack of Yamaha C7X Grand Pianos.  “My wife’s going to kill me for making such a large purchase without …

Tragic! This co-worker did not hesitate to reach out

EDMONTON – Local account manager Anna Stolly received a nasty shock at work this week when her co-worker Joe Dolivo did not hesitate to reach out to her with questions about a team project.…

Ontario case numbers going up even though Ford asked them nicely not to

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is facing blame for the recent rise in COVID-19 case numbers, despite his valiant effort telling the new cases to “tone it down a bit, if you don’t mind.…

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade ends in horror when robe of Baby Yoda balloon falls open, revealing massive genitalia

NEW YORK CITY – Cheers turned to screams today at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade when a robe malfunction resulted in the Baby Yoda balloon exposing his no-longer-private parts to thousands …

Canadian media promise to start reporting on RCMP raiding Wet’suwet’en territory once a few more American celebrities tweet about it

OTTAWA – Members of Canada’s national and local press are assuring Canadians that they will start to cover the RCMP’s violent and quite possibly illegal raid on sovereign Wet…