OTTAWA – U.S. Ambassador Pete Hoekstra has vowed to improve anti-American sentiment he sees in Canada, no matter how many illegal tariffs, forced annexations, or literal bombs it takes to do it.
“I’m disappointed that I came to Canada,” Hoekstra said during a public event in Halifax. “A Canada that it would be very easy to target with 500% steel tariffs, or one patriot missile aimed at Parliament Hill, I might add.”
The Ambassador added, “We need to take the tone and tenor of the debate down, and by ‘we’ I mean ‘entirely Canada’ because you are all weak losers who would be better off as the 51st State.”
Hoekstra then poured out a bottle of Labatt Blue while spitting on a photo of Terry Fox, before decrying how “it’s so difficult to find Canadians who are passionate about the American-Canadian relationship”.
After expressing frustration over the lack of pro-American sentiment among Canadians, Hoekstra clarified that comments made by President Trump are “completely different, you pathetic soyboy canucks.”
“When our own glorious President Trump, long may he reign, threatens to kick Canada out of the 5 Eyes intelligence group, or to economically annex your crappy country, that comes from a place of love,” Hoekstra added while kicking a live beaver.
“Ditto for when Trump makes up a major Canadian fentanyl problem so he can call it terrorism and bypass both congress and international law. Also love.”
Asked how he himself might mend the relationship with Canada, Hoekstra offered several ideas.
“When I was Trump’s ambassador to the Netherlands, which is also a complete shit hole, I had a lot of success illegally fundraising for radical right political groups,” Hoekstra recalled while whipping Tim Horton’s doughnuts at the crowd. “Tell me, who do you have that’s to the right of Maxime Bernier?”
Shold that fail, Hoekstra mused about airing “another bonkers racist anti-Chinese commercial”, like in his failed 2012 US Senate campaign. “Maybe that’ll help relations.”
In closing, Hoekstra made it clear that he sees a path to improve American sentiment among Canadians.
“I think you’ll all feel better about America after we finally enact Project 2025, which I helped to write, and then invade you for your resources. Hard to stay mad at Americans when you ARE Americans.”
Hoekstra then ended his speech by urinating on a stack of vintage Anne Murray records.
At press time, the American FCC is reportedly trying to figure out how to arrest 22 Minutes’ Mark Critch for his Trump impression.
