Statistical illiteracy at all-time high of 124%
OTTAWA – Statistics Canada today released the results of a damning online survey concerning Canadians’ comprehension of basic statistics. Out of 33 million Canadians, nearly 41 million Cana…
Job creators slam food critic for describing chocolate cake as ‘rich’
NEW YORK – Right-wing commentators have slammed New York Times food critic Shauna Campbell for a recent review in which she described a chocolate cake as ‘rich.’ Presidential Ca…
Rosie MacLennan ostracized for violating Olympics Canada’s No Gold Medals policy
LONDON – During the closing ceremonies to the London 2012 Olympic games earlier this month, Canada’s Olympic athletes came together to party, pose for group photos and celebrate their…
Man typecast as serial killer would literally kill for new role
TORONTO – James Holden Garrison, a moderately successful dramatic actor, has been cast in 18 television guest spots–always playing either the serial killer, or the guy everyone thinks…
Marineland CEO won’t get puppy until he proves he can take care of fish
NIAGARA FALLS, ON – Ontario’s Humane Society announced yesterday they were denying Marineland C.E.O., John Holer’s application to adopt a 2-month-old Dalmatian puppy he had planned on namin…
PMO staff ‘extremely worried’ after Stephen Harper shows up to work with smile
OTTAWA – Anonymous staff in the Prime Minister’s Office report they have an overwhelming sense of dread that something horrible is about to happen – though what, they do not know R…
TTC driver blames ‘shitty fucking TTC’ for being late to work
TORONTO – Longtime TTC streetcar driver Morris Stollery was late to start his shift on Wednesday, a fact he blamed on Toronto’s poor public transportation system. “The transit s…
Bob Dylan concerts to feature hologram of Bob Dylan that actually gives a shit
LOS ANGELES, CA – Inspired by the famous holographic projections of deceased artists like 2Pac Shakur and Biggie Smalls, Columbia Records executives have announced an upcoming Bob Dylan con…
French reinforcements arrive in Quebec 253 years late
QUEBEC CITY – After spending 92,345 days at sea, French Marines finally arrived to reinforce the French garrison in Quebec City. The 250 men of the Troupes de la Marine swiftly scaled the cliffs …
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