BOSTON – Boston Bruins enforcer Shawn Thornton was suspended for 15 games after a brutal attack in which he repeatedly struck Penguins defenceman Brooks Orpik in the face with his fist in a manner different than NHL rules allow people to punch others in the face with their fist.
“We have very strict rules on face punching,” said chief NHL disciplinarian Brendan Shanahan. “Most of the time we’re totally cool with a 230 pound man using all his might to pummel the skull of another man, but not like this!”
“If Thornton had just knocked Orpik out while he was standing up, he could have made our ‘best fights of 2013’ highlight DVD on sale now for only $19.99” added Shanahan.
NHL sources say the suspension came down to player safety, as punching a man in the part of his body where the brain is held causes more damage when he is lying on the ice than when he is standing blind with a jersey pulled over his eyes, or off balance due to being spun around in a circle by a bigger player.
“That’s just science,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, who went on to point out that he knew Thornton’s actions were wrong because his team mates hadn’t stood up and banged their sticks on the boards to celebrate the beating like they usually would.
At press time, the brain remains a soft, delicate tissue unable to sustain repetitive trauma without incurring massive impairments later in life.
