Nova Scotia elects premier most Canadians will never hear about again

HALIFAX – Nova Scotians headed to the polls to elect a person that will never be heard from again by anyone outside of the province. The vast, uninterested masses of Canadians, will go back…

Women everywhere scramble to lock down ‘winter boyfriend’

Burnaby, BC – Anthropologists studying human female migration patterns have noticed mass movements of women toward cafes, college campuses, and libraries in pursuit of finding a mate for th…

REPORT: Still unclear if mound of rubble is part of construction work or Nuit Blanche

TORONTO – Days after the Nuit Blanche arts festival, Toronto residents are still not sure whether an especially scenic pile of rubble is part of the city’s ongoing construction work, or if …

Wine bar’s “No Dogs” sentiment extremely mutual, say dogs

WHITBY – A small crowd of local dogs gathered on leashes outside of Aule Wine Bar confirmed that the artfully stenciled sign reading “Nee Canes,” which prevents them from enjoying the estab…

Homeless man probably fine

TORONTO – After brief but careful analyses of the clothing, grooming, and language ability of an elderly homeless man who spends hours each day repeatedly walking between the Annex and Park…

Kingston mayor on Queen’s Homecoming: ‘the horror, the horror’

KINGSTON – After Queen’s University students failed to pick up tens of red plastic cups from their Homecoming festivities this weekend, Kingston mayor Mark Gerretsen’s was left utterly thun…

Nova Scotia election services offered in both English and Cape Bretoner

HALIFAX – Elections Nova Scotia has announced that its services will be offered in two Nova Scotian dialects on election day; english and Cape Bretoner. “We’re quite pleased to see that Cap…

If PJ Stock does not shut up right now, he is going to find out about the switchblade I keep in my jowls

By Elliotte Friedman It is an honour to be a part of CBC’s legendary Hockey Night in Canada broadcast, and to spend the second intermission discussing the most important hockey news with so…

PROROGATION UPDATE: Parliament more productive when prorogued

OTTAWA – MPs who were worried that the prorogation of Parliament would send Canadian democracy grinding to a halt can’t believe how much they’re getting done. “Freed from Question Period,” Libera…

Breast cancer charity makes huge strides in corporate research, logo development

TORONTO – The struggle to market breast cancer corporate awareness is one step closer to victory after the Foundation for Breast Cancer Research of Canada has made a breakthrough in busines…