Voices in man’s head outsourced to India
ABBOTSFORD, BC – Local mental health patient Andrew Wallace, 35, has tolerated hearing voices in his head for years, but says he is now unable to deal with the voices after their upper mana…
Tension leading up to US elections turns out to be mostly sexual
WASHINGTON – In what is being called the largest ever release of pent-up sexual energy, both Democratic and Republican voters engaged in a nation-wide orgy to relieve some of the intense em…
Bored CERN scientists discover what happens to cat in Large Hadron Collider
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Researchers at CERN, left with little to do after completing the majority of experimentation toward the confirmation of the Higgs Boson, put a live cat into the Large …
Vampire lesbians in movies are much more attractive than actual vampire lesbians
By Melvin Silver PhD Candidate in Cinema Studies at the University of Toronto Vampire lesbians are a staple of horror films, spawning one of my favorite sub-genres. From the early and subtle appr…
Ontario Teachers’ Union: We’ll avoid a strike so long as we don’t have to teach that brat Sammy anymore
TORONTO – Attempting to salvage negotiations before an impending teacher strike, the Elementary Teachers’ Federation of Ontario (ETFO) said they would accept government enforced cuts so lon…
Citing rising allowance costs, Gary Bettman locks his children out of the house
WESTCHESTER, CT – Saying his household could no longer keep up with the dramatic increase in money being paid toward their allowance, embattled NHL commissioner Gary Bettman took the bold s…
