Bernie Sanders hammers against locked cellar doors while impostor endorses Clinton

Portsmouth, NH – Early reports have indicated that the individual who many believed was Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders was, in fact, a cleverly disguised Clinton aide while the real Be…

Vancouver City Hall to be turned into Cactus Club

VANCOUVER – In a somewhat surprising move, the city of Vancouver announced that they plan on turning City Hall into a new location for the popular restaurant chain Cactus Club. When asked w…

Parents hope guitar lessons will get son laid soon

EDMONTON – Parents of 17-year-old Matthew Hendrickson have enrolled him in guitar lessons in the hope that a rudimentary understanding of the instrument will allow him to finally lose his v…

Public Service Pay Centre accidentally pays employee $2.7 billion in provincial transfer payments

OTTAWA – After a series of clerical and accounting errors, the Public Service Pay Centre, Canada’s centralized payment facility for public servants, has accidentally compensated a federal e…

Local man asks rest of dog-fighting ring to quiet down so he can call in sick to work

OUTSKIRTS OF TOWN, ON – Local man Peter Franklin just needs everyone at this dog-fighting ring to quiet down so he can get out of work for the day. “Guys. Guys! C’mon, I just need a few min…

Doritos nutritionists concerned Canadian diet not ‘zesty’ enough

VICTORIA – A special report released earlier this week by top Doritos nutritionists has expressed concerns that the average Canadian’s diet is far below the daily recommended zesty-ness threshold…

Whitehorse opens new trails for wandering off-leash dogs

WHITEHORSE – Dogs who want to take themselves for a walk in Whitehorse now have more options to explore Yukon’s capital with a new pathway network. 16 new off-leash trails, which explores a…

Rebounding biodiversity: bison attacks are up 2,000%

WEST CREASE, AB – At one time reduced to a population of fewer than 600, Canadian populations of the Plains Bison have rebounded to the point where an unprecedented crisis of bison attacks …

Calgary Stampede cowboy euthanized after chuckwagon race injury

CALGARY – Calgary Stampede employees were forced to put down a prize cowboy Friday night after he sustained a leg injury during a chuckwagon race. The 42 year-old male Caucasian, named ‘Sid…

World just going to take a nap until the bad stuff goes away

EARTH – The entire population of the planet has announced this week that it intends to simply lie down for a little nap until all the evil, violent, and hate-filled things that occur daily disapp…